Post by LuigiKartDS on Jun 11, 2018 21:10:39 GMT
Back in 2015, I had posted a "fanfiction". I have NO IDEA why. The original post is gone, with only the replies left in the thread. Those replies are actually really positive, with some criticism for improvement. But what do I think? Well, I had copied the fanfic, and will now riff on my own work.
Oh geez I'm not going to like this.
eArceus, SakuraBlossom, CherryCheer, NovaStorm, mew151, SakuraBlossom, CherryCheer, Title: A Friend Returns! A Rival of Serena's? (idea for XY091 or a later episode)
Ash is still in Kalos, ready for his next gym bade, until someone taps his shoulder. He thinks it's Serena, but Serena denies it. Ash decides to see if it was Clemont, who's behind him. He turns, only to not only find Clemont and Bonnie, but Dawn! Of course. Who else? When Serena asks who she is, Ash tells her that she traveled with him throughout Sinnoh. They high five, and Dawn decides to join them. While walking, Serena asks Dawn about her feelings for Ash, but Dawn misinterprets what she asked, and says that they're like partners. One look on Serena's face, and Dawn realizes what she meant. Dawn blushes, but no confirmation is made. Serena blushes as well. Serena is then put to the test when Miette returns and asks for a battle. Ash obviously agrees, and Dawn wishes him good luck. Fair enough, Ash wins, and as a reward, Dawn hugs him in joy, where Serena displays a jealous face. Miette begins to tease Ash about other tactics for the fight, but Dawn saves him the trouble of answering by telling her that he doesn't have time for her questions and only has time to make someone proud, and winks at Ash. Per usual, Ash is clueless to what she is suggesting. Buneary comes out and congratulates Pikachu for the battle. Knowing that Pokémon represent their trainers' emotions (if the Pokémon fall in love, the trainers might, too), Serena becomes worried, though Bonnie reassures her as the episode ends,
So what do you think? Not bad for a first fanfiction. Right?
Maybe not bad for a FIRST fanfic, but MAN have I grown. There is SO MUCH room for improvement. If Dawn were to be introduced in a new season, I feel like the way she's introduced here would work. Also pays homage to her return to the BW seasons.
But then, it goes downhill. Of course, Serena would be jealous, but holy moly did I mess up her character. This makes her look kinda like a hopeless romatic, and, in a way, makes fun of her. But, truth be told, Serena is a good character. Then, pointless "rival for affections" appearance by Miette herself. Idk why I put her in this. Oh wait. Yes I do.
She's there for an excuse for a Pokémon battle. So Ash can win. So Dawn can hug him.
WHAT? Yes, Ash and Dawn are close but not THAT close. A(nother) high five would have been fine, but nope. 2015 me had to go the extra mile just to make Serena jealous. If you remember my Really Bulbapedia? post, my most controversial post so far, I call AmourShippers out for bashing other girls, yet here's me deliberately making Serena feel hopeless. 2015 me completely contradicts my post! It's kinda funny, but that's not the point.
And now, the ending. First off, 2015 me made Dawn say "he doesn't have time for her questions and only has time to make someone proud." I don't even know what that means! Is Dawn suggesting Ash is making her like him more? That's probably what I had in mind back when I made it. Then Buneary comes out (LagomorphShipping is still adorable AF) just so I can say "Pokémon represent their trainers' emotions (if the Pokémon fall in love, the trainers might, too)" which, many will say is true, but emphasis on "might". I made Serena even more unnecessarily jealous. And the fanfic ends with a COMMA? WHAT?? Did I not even bother proofread my work?
Well, after reading it over a few more times, I think it's "acceptional" for a first fanfic. But holy moly did I have a lot to improve upon.
...what do you think? Should I rewrite this with actual dialogue and not completely cringey? Because I'm not the person who makes fanfiction. In fact, the follow-up I made was EVEN WORSE, so. Everything that happened in it felt forced, out of place, and I put KENNY in it, making him seem antagonistic towards Ash. That was never his character. I haven't written one since, because I currently don't really have a ship. For example, Ash and Dawn are cool, but that will be just as canon as, say, Ash and May, who are just as cute. So, not ship currently. But, if you guys want me to, I can rewrite this. If not, then it will always be here for people to read.
Thank you for wasting time reading this awful fanfiction. And now, I shall go waste time of my own, waiting for E3 and my Disney vacation.
Oh geez I'm not going to like this.
eArceus, SakuraBlossom, CherryCheer, NovaStorm, mew151, SakuraBlossom, CherryCheer, Title: A Friend Returns! A Rival of Serena's? (idea for XY091 or a later episode)
Ash is still in Kalos, ready for his next gym bade, until someone taps his shoulder. He thinks it's Serena, but Serena denies it. Ash decides to see if it was Clemont, who's behind him. He turns, only to not only find Clemont and Bonnie, but Dawn! Of course. Who else? When Serena asks who she is, Ash tells her that she traveled with him throughout Sinnoh. They high five, and Dawn decides to join them. While walking, Serena asks Dawn about her feelings for Ash, but Dawn misinterprets what she asked, and says that they're like partners. One look on Serena's face, and Dawn realizes what she meant. Dawn blushes, but no confirmation is made. Serena blushes as well. Serena is then put to the test when Miette returns and asks for a battle. Ash obviously agrees, and Dawn wishes him good luck. Fair enough, Ash wins, and as a reward, Dawn hugs him in joy, where Serena displays a jealous face. Miette begins to tease Ash about other tactics for the fight, but Dawn saves him the trouble of answering by telling her that he doesn't have time for her questions and only has time to make someone proud, and winks at Ash. Per usual, Ash is clueless to what she is suggesting. Buneary comes out and congratulates Pikachu for the battle. Knowing that Pokémon represent their trainers' emotions (if the Pokémon fall in love, the trainers might, too), Serena becomes worried, though Bonnie reassures her as the episode ends,
So what do you think? Not bad for a first fanfiction. Right?
Maybe not bad for a FIRST fanfic, but MAN have I grown. There is SO MUCH room for improvement. If Dawn were to be introduced in a new season, I feel like the way she's introduced here would work. Also pays homage to her return to the BW seasons.
But then, it goes downhill. Of course, Serena would be jealous, but holy moly did I mess up her character. This makes her look kinda like a hopeless romatic, and, in a way, makes fun of her. But, truth be told, Serena is a good character. Then, pointless "rival for affections" appearance by Miette herself. Idk why I put her in this. Oh wait. Yes I do.
She's there for an excuse for a Pokémon battle. So Ash can win. So Dawn can hug him.
WHAT? Yes, Ash and Dawn are close but not THAT close. A(nother) high five would have been fine, but nope. 2015 me had to go the extra mile just to make Serena jealous. If you remember my Really Bulbapedia? post, my most controversial post so far, I call AmourShippers out for bashing other girls, yet here's me deliberately making Serena feel hopeless. 2015 me completely contradicts my post! It's kinda funny, but that's not the point.
And now, the ending. First off, 2015 me made Dawn say "he doesn't have time for her questions and only has time to make someone proud." I don't even know what that means! Is Dawn suggesting Ash is making her like him more? That's probably what I had in mind back when I made it. Then Buneary comes out (LagomorphShipping is still adorable AF) just so I can say "Pokémon represent their trainers' emotions (if the Pokémon fall in love, the trainers might, too)" which, many will say is true, but emphasis on "might". I made Serena even more unnecessarily jealous. And the fanfic ends with a COMMA? WHAT?? Did I not even bother proofread my work?
Well, after reading it over a few more times, I think it's "acceptional" for a first fanfic. But holy moly did I have a lot to improve upon.
...what do you think? Should I rewrite this with actual dialogue and not completely cringey? Because I'm not the person who makes fanfiction. In fact, the follow-up I made was EVEN WORSE, so. Everything that happened in it felt forced, out of place, and I put KENNY in it, making him seem antagonistic towards Ash. That was never his character. I haven't written one since, because I currently don't really have a ship. For example, Ash and Dawn are cool, but that will be just as canon as, say, Ash and May, who are just as cute. So, not ship currently. But, if you guys want me to, I can rewrite this. If not, then it will always be here for people to read.
Thank you for wasting time reading this awful fanfiction. And now, I shall go waste time of my own, waiting for E3 and my Disney vacation.
need a break from that. I cannot express how much more I appreciate fan-translations of anything now