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Post by Nesh on Aug 25, 2017 17:22:54 GMT
Story linkFair warning this started off as a nonsense one shot using anime and game characters and grew into more as I used it to vent my frustrations at the whole Unova League debacle, and just Unova in general; I actually started this before X and Y. In order to accommodate the story I had to make some minor alterations to continuity. I am working on the next chapter, but writer's block hit me hard. Plus Ash was doing really well in Kalos so my motivation was waning until well... y'know Alain pulled a Tobias on us.
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Post by chosenone151 on Aug 25, 2017 22:22:35 GMT
I just read the first chapter, for now. Dawn seems in character! Loved her bit about suggesting she'd just follow him and pester him until he talked, that's very much Dawn behavior.
The battle was good, too. I'm curious where this is headed and why Dawn in particular is important.
For the constructive criticism end, I think you should be more careful about how you break up paragraphs; they should usually be separated by the actions/thoughts of each character, you had Dawn/Piplup/Silver acting or speaking in the same sentence or paragraph in a number of different instances and it was a little confusing, taking me out of the action.
Also I think you brushed over Piplup's evolution and decision far too quickly. While I do think he would make that decision (I had him do the same under different circumstances) we should've had a few moments to see things from his point of view, and let us soak in the evolution. You just kind of jumped to the next move.
Good ideas, just polish your execution!
And you overshared Silver's background in a lot of points, leaving things vague and mysterious is more likely to hold interest and suspense.
But again, interesting premise!
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Post by Nesh on Aug 25, 2017 22:39:05 GMT
I just read the first chapter, for now. Dawn seems in character! Loved her bit about suggesting she'd just follow him and pester him until he talked, that's very much Dawn behavior. The battle was good, too. I'm curious where this is headed and why Dawn in particular is important. For the constructive criticism end, I think you should be more careful about how you break up paragraphs; they should usually be separated by the actions/thoughts of each character, you had Dawn/Piplup/Silver acting or speaking in the same sentence or paragraph in a number of different instances and it was a little confusing, taking me out of the action. Also I think you brushed over Piplup's evolution and decision far too quickly. While I do think he would make that decision (I had him do the same under different circumstances) we should've had a few moments to see things from his point of view, and let us soak in the evolution. You just kind of jumped to the next move. Good ideas, just polish your execution! And you overshared Silver's background in a lot of points, leaving things vague and mysterious is more likely to hold interest and suspense. But again, interesting premise! And I just edited it too. I must have missed the dialogue issues, always had trouble picking up my own errors, Honestly the entire prologue does probably need an overhaul. I'll get on that if I ever finish the new chapter. |
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Post by chosenone151 on Aug 25, 2017 22:43:19 GMT
Yeah, proofreading is always a pain. I ended up revising my first six chapters completely, a few months back. It's amazing how much your writing skills change over time.
Just go through it line by line and make sure to separate it character by character.
Sounds like a plan! Whenever I get to reading the others, I'll let you know.
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need a break from that. I cannot express how much more I appreciate fan-translations of anything now